Do You Want Cannabis Advice or Just Praise?

I check your weed out under microscope and tell you that it’s full of mites and caterpillar shit. You act surprised and soooo concerned, but after I leave, you don’t remove any product from your shelves. You sell that fucking rubbish anyway, which leaves me to believe that you’re not looking for advice, you’re just looking for praise. You’re not going to find it here.

As a cannabis consultant I am often called to evaluate cannabis products; mostly flower and concentrates. I’ve run into an infuriating trend that has led me to believe that in a lot of cases, it’s not my professional opinion that matters; some clients are just looking for unwarranted praise and/or my blind endorsement.

For instance, during the month of October 2016 I was called by three different clients on three different occasions for evaluations. Each of these clients were growers that wanted me to review their product and make recommendations to cannabis establishments that might be short on supply.

Upon examination under microscope, I saw a sickening number of webs and dead mites; both whole and random body parts.

Fucking awesome.

And to think these people are established professional growers…

I informed the clients of the problem and let them see it for themselves under the loop; they all acted disgusted and surprised. All three of these clients said they had no idea the plants had been infected with mites, despite the fact they grew the crop personally.

What a load of complete and utter shit!

If you’re a grower and you’re producing finished product that has mites and webs throughout, YOU KNEW. Chances are you thought you cut most of it out during trimming and post-cure. Coming from a microscopic standpoint, that’s fucking stupid to attempt. Cut all you want; you’ll never destroy the evidence at a microscopic level, okay fuck-face? That’s why murderers rarely get away with their crimes; because they cannot eliminate microscopic evidence.


Other cases of this sort of fuckery that occurred during the fall of 2016:

  • Cannabis establishment calls me to evaluate their existing flower; two strains had caterpillars and related feces throughout, even in the center of the buds. After revealing this, the establishment acted surprised, but weeks later they were still selling the same product on their shelves.
  • Grower asked me to evaluate for late-season failure to thrive; I found a grossly systemic powdery mildew problem and provided extensive advice for treatment after my first recommendation to scrap the crop was ignored. Grower followed none of this advice, took their crop to harvest and later I accidentally acquired some of this moldy shit.
  • Cannabis establishment requests finished flower evaluation of 6 strains. 2 of these strains were obviously not the strains they were being advertised as. Management even agreed the strains were misidentified, but weeks later they are still selling this weed under those false labels.
  • Cultivation center asks me to evaluate site security. I find extensive cell phone use by low-level employees while in the grow. After providing my report mentioning this as a serious security flaw, I visited the grow about a week later and saw no less than 4 employees – trimmers and “laborers” – head down, eyes fixated on the screens of their devices.

This is all complete and severe bullshit.

First, any consultant that would give a pass or approval on contaminated products or poor security measures needs to be beaten bloody with hemp stalks. Second, thinking that a professional with an excellent reputation for high quality standards is going to review your trash but proclaim it treasure is indicative that you’re too stupid to be in the cannabis industry in the first place.

Fuck off, mkay?


As always, I’m not going to bitch without offering a solution. In this case, I’m in the process of managing a large project designed to force accountability on growers, wholesalers and retailers. This project starts with education at the consumer level. If consumers know what to look for and have the tools, equipment, resources and support to take control of their cannabis selection and consumption, then growers and sellers won’t be able to take advantage of these consumers and sell contaminated, potentially dangerous products anymore.  For now, these fucking assclowns might make dumbass attempts to fool me, but when that doesn’t work they just shrug their shoulders, knowing that at the end of the day, they’re going to fool the consumer. I can’t reveal too much now, but those days are coming to an end really fucking soon. I’ll update this post when the project has been launched.

Have you experienced any of this sort of nonsense? Have a story or solution you want to share? Let’s hear it in the comments section below.

Published by


After 29 years I'm calling the cannabis industry out on its crap.

8 thoughts on “Do You Want Cannabis Advice or Just Praise?”

  1. Advice or Praise this reveals alot on character of the growers and sellers.
    I buy genetics from Ace seeds in Spain. The owner follows my grows online and many other people’s. If he sees anything wrong at all. He let’s you and others know publicly so all other growers can learn from your mistakes.
    If you can swallow a little pride, we all become better growers. I’m very thankful for his integrity and help. I appreciate your efforts in holding people accountable.
    Peace MedDakotabis

  2. Hi Russ,

    at Choko there is a bud tender who is obviously chewing her fingernails and at the same time puting her hands in the jars.
    I confronted her on that but nothing changed. In general I find that bud tenders need to wear gloves or at least use tweezers especially if they’re gnawing on their nails or smoking disgusting cigarettes!

    What you think about?!

    Regards ,


    1. Hey Alexander; that’s definitely disgusting and unacceptable, and you were right to say something. I’m going to mention this to the Board at Choko to make sure it changes. I also agree with your point that smoking anything while budtending isn’t right; putting your hands to your lips a dozens times to puff on a joint or vape or whatthefuckever, then reaching into jars of product, making change for people, etc; that’s not sanitary. If we’re going to continue pushing the medical agenda for legalization, we need to step the fuck up. Thanks for your comment. -El Bastardo

    1. Hola Pat; I’m preparing an article and some other related content for this, but for now, get yourself a 100X handheld microscope – about $20 – and then start checking out your weed. You’ll be looking for dirt, feces, mites, webs, etc., which should all be pretty apparent, even to the untrained eye, at 100X.

    1. Hi Claus; I’m not ready to do that yet – for now I prefer to work with companies or individuals to help them get their product up to par. But soon enough, if things don’t change, I will enter the Name and Shame game, and no one wants that. Not even me. 😉 -El Bastardo

  3. Dear Cannabastard. I love your work!
    I moved here just over a year and a half ago now with the Mrs.
    I am well educated (Marine Biology Hons) as well as other qualifications. But tbh I am sick and tired of the waste of time trying to get a job in the Marine industry. I understand you are thinking of launching a new project regarding quality of bud, I think this is a great idea but I think that concentrates also require quality standards as well. Along with all these people selling fake thc/cbd oils. It would be great to setup a general “cannabis quality inspectorate” organisation where people send in samples, similar to America for quality control/testing etc.
    Anyway, I am currently working for Google, helping people figure out what is wrong with their phones, which to me feels like glorified button pressing. I would love to get involved in something with real meaning.
    I hope you’ll think of me in the future!

Leave a Reply